Does your child throw tantrums?

If you have a child who throws some kind of tantrum, you are a typical parent. Most children I have known have thrown some kind of tantrum at some point in their childhood. They are testing boundaries. I have seen children who bang their heads on the floor (one of mine), hold their breath until they pass out, scream like a banshee and all other manners of tantrums. I don't think parents should ever give in to tantrums. When my child banged her head, I gave her a pillow to bang it on or moved her to the carpet, and left the room. It didn't take long for her to realize two important things. One, it hurt, and two, it got no results. When confronted with a child who screams it can be hard to ignore. Ignore it anyway. If possible move to another room and if the child follows, tell them they can't join you until they have stopped screaming. Don't beg or threaten. State the rule and leave the room.
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is rewarding bad behavior. To a child wanting attention, negative attention can re-enforce poor behavior the same as positive attention. A child throwing a tantrum should never get their way. Don't buy the toy, let them stay up or say "OK you can have one more cookie but you have to stop screaming". (or whining or whatever the tantrum is)  Seems like common sense to me, but I see parents do this a lot. Don't engage in a battle of will with the child either. You can't effectively reason with a two year old having a tantrum. You can say "stop it" a hundred times and they probably won't because they are getting your attention. Don't try to reason with a young child. Ignore the fit. If you are in a public setting such as a restaurant, you should leave rather than give in. (don't make other restaurant patrons have to listen to your screaming child) Once you leave the public place, continue to ignore the tantrum. If your child is older, say five and up, come back to them after the tantrum is over and explain that their behavior was unacceptable and explain to them what the consequence will be. This may set off another tantrum. That is okay, ignore this one too, except to point out the consequences will be worse if they continue.
Parents have to realize that parenting is work. It doesn't always fit neatly into your schedule. But, it has to be done. Be consistent with the rules. If it is a rule you set, you must enforce it 100% of the time. It can take time for a child to realize the tantrum is pointless and give up on it. As a parent you also have to take into consideration your child's personality. A discipline strategy that worked for one child, may not work for another. Rules should be the same, but consequences may have to vary to be effective. If you have established basic discipline in your household, tantrums should pass quickly. If you lack consistency in the enforcement of even basic rules, you may be in for a long run of tantrums. I read one time that children have learned basic behavior by the age of five. I believe that. If you wait until your child is older to begin disciplining them, it will be much harder to change the "habits"  of what has always worked for them, such as tantrums.
One of the most difficult issues for a parent to deal with is poor behavior by your child when they are not with you. Perhaps your child behaves and listens to you just fine but becomes a terror at school or at Grandma's house. I think this is because they have often learned that poor behavior works in these settings. Grandma doesn't want to see her little darling unhappy so a tantrum will get him another cookie. Or maybe your child sees another child at school getting attention for tantrums so they decide to try it too. And it works for them. Sometimes tantrums can be a symptom of anxiety or frustration. You need to identify the cause of the tantrum. Talk to the adult in charge, express your concerns, find out what is happening and explain how you deal with discipline at home. Come to an agreement on how they will deal with tantrums and follow up with them often. If your child is old enough to reason with, talk to them about the tantrum and have a consequence at home for it.  As a parent, you do have to realize it may not be possible, or desirable, for a teacher to leave the room. Ask them to ignore the tantrum. They could require your child to sit out of the activity they are doing until the child has calmed down. Perhaps your child will have to go sit in the office. Work closely with the adult who will be in charge of your child to come up with a plan that works for both of you. Unfortunately some teachers don't deal well with tantrums and some family members don't want to be the "bad guy" and enforce discipline. You will have to deal with each situation individually. I kept a friend's child who regularly threw tantrums at home. After a few weeks at my house the child no longer had tantrums when with me. Children figure out when and where the tantrums will achieve the desired result.
Some adults are just not good at dealing with disgruntled children. If you feel uncomfortable with a teacher and how they are handling classroom discipline, it is okay to move your child to another teacher's room or a new daycare. Make sure, if you do move your child,  that it is not just a case of mom or dad refusing to believe their little angel could ever do anything wrong. Most teachers are well trained, but not all teachers are suited to work with children.
Well, now you hopefully have a starting point for dealing with tantrums. As a parent you have to figure out what works best for your family. Just don't let it be "the tantrums don't really bother me" or "he will outgrow them on his own"!  Build a strong relationship with your child and everyone will benefit from it. Set rules and enforce them.  But, don't forget to reward the good behavior and hug those kids often!

The Momma

Discipline please

Children need discipline. They need rules and boundaries. Disciplining your child doesn't mean you will stifle their creativity or break their spirit. Children need to understand there are rules and learn to respect authority figures. They need to be taught that even if they don't always agree with the person of authority, they need to show proper respect. Tantrums should never be rewarded with attention. However, a well thought out argument against your decision presented in a calm, respectful way should be taken seriously and given proper consideration. (even parents are wrong sometimes) Teach your children when it is appropriate to disagree and the proper way to handle it. I think parents should pick their "top ten"(or 15) list of unacceptable behavior and enforce it 100% of the time. Let the trivial issues go. If you constantly are correcting a child for every little thing they will tune you out. If you only correct a child 50% of the time for breaking a particular rule, they will keep breaking the rule. Why not? They have a 50% chance of getting away with it! Choose your battles.

 Time spent actually interacting with your children and building a relationship is what I believe truly empowers you as a parent and disciplinarian. My advice to new parents is REALLY spend time with your children. Find out what interests them and do that activity with them. Interact on their level. We all tend to do this with infants, playing peek-a-boo for hours. But, for some reason, as children get older many parents start to switch over to expecting their children to take an interest in what they, the parents, like or to completely entertain themselves. While children need to learn to entertain themselves, they should not be left to do so all the time. They definitely need supervision. By all means introduce the children to activities you enjoy,  but stay tuned in to activities they really enjoy. Play in the refrigerator box with them, build with Legos, have a tea party, learn the names and powers of 100 Pokemon, or watch your child's favorite TV show with them. I  recently learned to play Mario Kart Wii because my youngest son enjoys gaming so much and the Wii controller makes it simple enough for even a novice like me to do passably well. We play pretty regular. We talk pretty regular when we play. ( I am now somewhat addicted to Mario Kart.)  As a parent, you don't want the only real conversations with your children to be about homework and discipline issues.

 It is important not to cross the line from being a parent to just being one of their friends.  Your children owe you respect even when you are playing games with them and they need to recognize that they are not your equal. You can still have fun.  If you develop a good relationship with your children it will help you be a more effective disciplinarian when the need arises.  That is my opinion. I have no degree or certification, just the experience of raising four children and my personal observations of the multitudes of families I have crossed paths with over the years. Like all parents, I have done some things right and some things not so right. I have tried to learn from the "not so right" and really that is all any of us can do. I do think it is a positive and healthy thing for children to see that their parents make mistakes. How we handle our mistakes, like all of our actions, teach our children. So, go play games with your children and have fun. Everyone will benefit from it.

The Momma