Chores: to pay or not to pay

When parents decide to have their children do chores it often leads to a debate as to whether the children should be paid or not. I say yes-to both. Children should be expected to do regular chores for no pay. Regular chores teach responsibility, life skills (how to do your laundry and not shrink your clothes) and a sense of community. Everyone needs to understand that they are responsible for maintaining the house they live in. For children these chores can include kitchen clean-up, laundry, cleaning their room, and more, depending on their age. A five year old can help clear the table and fold or put away towels. When my children were 9 or 10 years old they became responsible for doing their laundry. Supervised at first and then on their own. I think laundry is a good regular chore. If they don't do their chore, their favorite shirt is not clean and ready to wear on Saturday night. It has a built in consequence! A general rule in my house is "if you don't cook, you clean." (watch for future article on "baby of the family" for the exception to this. lol) I don't think children should be paid for these. And please, never pay your child to fed or bathe the pet they just had to have and promised to take care of if you got it!
Extra chores and special chores should be rewarded with pay. Washing the car, helping paint, and weeding the garden are good special chores. Paid chores should be harder or take longer than regular chores because the idea is to teach your child a good work ethic. If you want to earn money, you have to apply yourself and do a good job. If you "hire" your child to weed the garden and most of the weeds are still there when they finish, have them go back and weed some more to fulfill their side of the contract. But, don't expect perfection. If you "hire" your child to weed your garden and there are no weeds left when they finish, give them a bonus for doing such a good job. If you are fortunate enough to live close to the grandparents and your child is wanting to earn some money, perhaps they can do chores for them to earn a little money. Depending on the age and agility of the grandparents, there may be things that are becoming hard for Grandma to do such as plant annual flowers in the garden or straighten out that bottom cabinet of Tupperware. In the end when and how to pay your child is up to you. Just put some thought into it before you jump in and commit. Once you do reach a decision, stick to your side of it and pay them the amount agreed upon promptly.

The Momma

Discipline please

Children need discipline. They need rules and boundaries. Disciplining your child doesn't mean you will stifle their creativity or break their spirit. Children need to understand there are rules and learn to respect authority figures. They need to be taught that even if they don't always agree with the person of authority, they need to show proper respect. Tantrums should never be rewarded with attention. However, a well thought out argument against your decision presented in a calm, respectful way should be taken seriously and given proper consideration. (even parents are wrong sometimes) Teach your children when it is appropriate to disagree and the proper way to handle it. I think parents should pick their "top ten"(or 15) list of unacceptable behavior and enforce it 100% of the time. Let the trivial issues go. If you constantly are correcting a child for every little thing they will tune you out. If you only correct a child 50% of the time for breaking a particular rule, they will keep breaking the rule. Why not? They have a 50% chance of getting away with it! Choose your battles.

 Time spent actually interacting with your children and building a relationship is what I believe truly empowers you as a parent and disciplinarian. My advice to new parents is REALLY spend time with your children. Find out what interests them and do that activity with them. Interact on their level. We all tend to do this with infants, playing peek-a-boo for hours. But, for some reason, as children get older many parents start to switch over to expecting their children to take an interest in what they, the parents, like or to completely entertain themselves. While children need to learn to entertain themselves, they should not be left to do so all the time. They definitely need supervision. By all means introduce the children to activities you enjoy,  but stay tuned in to activities they really enjoy. Play in the refrigerator box with them, build with Legos, have a tea party, learn the names and powers of 100 Pokemon, or watch your child's favorite TV show with them. I  recently learned to play Mario Kart Wii because my youngest son enjoys gaming so much and the Wii controller makes it simple enough for even a novice like me to do passably well. We play pretty regular. We talk pretty regular when we play. ( I am now somewhat addicted to Mario Kart.)  As a parent, you don't want the only real conversations with your children to be about homework and discipline issues.

 It is important not to cross the line from being a parent to just being one of their friends.  Your children owe you respect even when you are playing games with them and they need to recognize that they are not your equal. You can still have fun.  If you develop a good relationship with your children it will help you be a more effective disciplinarian when the need arises.  That is my opinion. I have no degree or certification, just the experience of raising four children and my personal observations of the multitudes of families I have crossed paths with over the years. Like all parents, I have done some things right and some things not so right. I have tried to learn from the "not so right" and really that is all any of us can do. I do think it is a positive and healthy thing for children to see that their parents make mistakes. How we handle our mistakes, like all of our actions, teach our children. So, go play games with your children and have fun. Everyone will benefit from it.

The Momma

Raise butterflies for fun

This beautiful black swallowtail butterfly had just emerged from it's chrysalis (right side of picture) when I took this picture. It was very cool to watch, especially since I had been follow the life of this butterfly since it was an egg. The whole experience was fascinating. I highly recommend trying this at home. Children will love it. Here is how you do it. Plant some dill, or fennel near a seating area. If doing this with kids you could plant it near the play area. This way it is easy to watch daily. Take notice when butterflies are on the dill. If you watch closely you will see the butterfly touching the end of it's body to the dill before moving on. It is laying eggs. If you look really closely you will see the eggs. They look like tiny drops of dew the size of a pin head. Look, but don't touch. They are very delicate. When the larva first emerges, it is black with a white band around the middle. It looks like bird droppings so maybe that keeps it from getting eaten! As the caterpillar develops it is green with black stripes and yellow spots. The caterpillars eat a lot of dill but there will still be some left for the kitchen! Once the caterpillar is big enough it will form a chrysalis. When it emerges it will be a butterfly and the cycle will start over. Check daily to see if it has emerged. If you are doing this project with children and want to be sure they see the new butterfly, snip the stem the chrysalis is on and place it in a screen "bug house". Just be sure to check daily and release the butterfly after everyone has admired it. You can do this with a variety of butterflies. Find out what kind are common to your area and plant their preferred food. Have fun and let me know how many butterflies you raise!!

The Momma

If you can read, you can achieve

I believe this. If there is something you want to learn how to do, there is a book about it somewhere. If there is something you want to understand better, there is a book about it. Probably lots of books. There is also a wealth of information online. I am a reader. My family will attest to this. For serious learning I still prefer books, but I do a lot of online reading.  When we bought our home and I wanted to landscape and put in a garden I headed to the library. I like to read up on new undertakings. Several dozen books later the pool area was landscaped, the garden was producing and I had my state certification in both horticulture and landscape contracting. Whether it was canning fruit or making soap I loaded up on the books and learned how to do it.
The best gift you can give your children is a love of reading. Start reading to them right away. Don't be afraid to use different voices and sound effects to make the story more interesting. You want them to love reading time. When they learn to read, let them read to you- but still keep reading to them. When my oldest daughter was in high school she had summer reading. I read Last of the Mohicans to her on vacation as we sat on the beach. We both enjoyed it. When one of my children was ill and had a book to finish reading for school, I read it to them. Teach them young to read for enjoyment. As they get older, teach them to read for knowledge.
 As long as it is age appropriate content, let your children read books of their choice for leisure time reading. If all they want to read is Goosebumps or Captain Underpants, let them. They are reading. They will have plenty of assigned reading in school. Let them learn to love reading. As your children get older, read some of  the books they read. By doing so you can make sure it is appropriate, see what interests them, create a common ground to keep your child talking with you and better help them find future books. You may even really enjoy some of the books! 

The Momma

Mom, what's for dinner?

Mom, what's for dinner? I have been asked this question countless times. My standard answer became "food". One of my son's always asked this question at breakfast because he liked to be able to think about it all day. My answer would either elicit excitement of a day filled with anticipation of a favorite meal or start him thinking about what extra snacks he might aquire to fill him up before dinner. As the kids got older, a favorite meal on the menu often led to the "mom, can my friends eat dinner here" question. The answer was always yes. Having four children meant I always cooked enough for at least ten people. I enjoyed meeting my children's friends and they seemed to enjoy sitting down to a home cooked meal. It has surprised and saddened me over the years to hear how few families seem to prepare their own meals on a regular basis or to even sit down and have dinner together as a family. What once was the norm for families seems to have become a rarity. I believe this is one reason there are increasing problems with youth in today's society. Families no longer share and learn from their collective experiences on a regular basis. Families no longer problem solve together. The strength and guidance of a close family is no longer present in many homes.  Family time together is too often centered around frantic preparations to get to the next function. Dinner is grabbed on the run, often separately.  Dinner at our house is a time to bond. Everyone talks about their day and everyone takes an interest in what is being said. Issues are discussed, manners are discussed, family values are taught. The dinner table is where children are taught that everyone has a right to their opinion. The dinner table is where children are taught how to agree to disagree. The dinner table is where children are taught about respect, responsibility and honesty through everyday conversations. The dinner table is where parents and children really get to know each other. So, cook a meal, call the family to the table and enjoy some good conversation! Your family will be better because of it!

The Momma

Dads make the pancakes

I had pancakes this morning, which my husband made. He usually makes the pancakes. As I was enjoying mine this morning I was thinking about all the households I know of where the dad makes the pancakes. It is pretty common. I wondered why this is. Here is what I think. Dads don't multitask well in a household setting. I mean, think about it moms. When mom cook breakfast it is often something that goes in the oven thus allowing us to hunt down that pesky left shoe that keeps going MIA, distribute those critical book reports that just had to be printed at 10 pm and were then left on the printer and other morning tasks, all while breakfast is cooking. When moms do cook breakfast on the stove it is a full breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon, grits and biscuits all timed to be ready simultaneously and served hot along side just poured milk and juice. We may even manage to start the days first load of laundry or sweep the kitchen while the eggs start to set and the bacon crisps up a little more. I am not saying it is a bad thing that dads make the pancakes. It is wonderful. It makes pancakes a really special treat for breakfast and gives dads the chance to "play" father's flying flapjacks. (from Little Bear, this is where dad tosses the flapjack in the air and the child catches it on their plate.) Be prepared to clean up a few misses and make extra batter.  I just think moms are more geared to multitasking while cooking maybe because we are wired that way or maybe because we do it more.
Also, moms think of the total nutritional package when cooking. While men focus on cooking one thing, such as barbecue, really well (and certainly better than the dad next door) moms focus on ways to make it appealing to the kids and to hide more fruits and veggies in it.
I am pleased to see that more men are sharing in household chores since both spouses often work. This includes the cooking. My husband actually does a lot of the cooking now that he is retired. He is a very good cook. We are still  working on a few of the finer points such as "meat alone is not a meal" and "everything on the plate shouldn't be a starch" but he does a good job and I am enjoying the break from being primary cook. We are actually cooking together more and that is nice. Perhaps in the households where dad does the cooking (I see this is more and more common) mom makes the pancakes. I will have to ask around....

The Momma

Don't be a walking encyclopedia

I remember when my children thought I knew everything. It was a wonderful time. They were young, curious and considered me the authority on everything. That was before they met the woman they called "my teacher". Perhaps it is a longing for those early years that later leads so many of us to become a walking encyclopedia for our children. It is so easy to just answer when asked how to spell a word or what is a group of fish called. That's right, ask mom, she knows. It is satisfying to know they have turned back to you, their loving mother, for all of their answers. Don't fall for it. (I admit, I fell for it on more than one occasion)The teacher knows the answer too. She didn't tell them because it is called homework and they are supposed to do it themselves. Explain how to work the problem if they don't understand, but do not give them the answer. Show them how to look for the information, but do not give them the answer. Help them by letting them do the work.
I believe it is important to start at an early age teaching your children how to find answers on their own. Often when my children were young I would answer a question with "let's go look it up". I tried to make it fun to find the answers. Empower your children with the knowledge and confidence that they can find the answers. Don't teach them that they can find someone else to do the work for them.  I admit that there were times when I was as tired of trying to get the kids to finish homework as they were of doing it. I gave them the answer and we all went to bed. It happens. But, they need to do their own work. Refrain from doing that science project for them. Offer guidance, but let them choose the topic. Encourage them to take their time, but let them cut out the pictures. Suggest they lay everything out on the poster first, but let them decide where it goes and glue it down. The teacher knows how old they are and does not expect adult quality work. And dads, get your own pine wood derby kit. Really.

The Momma